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Emily

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[22 Jan 2012|12:16pm]
my only validation and solace through this is through other people. I think that logic is inherently fucked.
I’m experiencing a great lack of confidence lately, which is also fucked. Cant anyone just be without such turmoil? Everyone is hurting and feeling crazy, and I am just right in the middle feeling the same, but with no control. I miss the way everything used to be. I think its easier to miss then to really take control of the way you’re feeling. I guess it just easier to sit back and feel this way. it’s a lack of motivation here that’s stifling me. I say I’m looking for it in other people, but I am pretty sure I wont find it there. I am lacking inspiration . I am lacking excitement. Am I lacking happiness? No. I know I’m lucky to have the life that I do. Does that mean I don’t want to make it better? No.
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[04 Jan 2012|02:30pm]
havent posted in a while. been in a funk lately. feel it slightly lifting here and there. it was a depressing holiday. the homesickness just kind of swallows me whole sometimes. i am kind of tired of feeling sad everyday. but i feel like im idealizing home in a way. associating it with a sense of comfort that i dont feel here yet. there was a reason i left, but the meaning seems hazy sometimes looking back.

i havent been feeling good. havent been working enough. sleeping all day. i sleep all day to shut up my brain and not get consumed in thoughts and nostalgia. i feel like i am missing everything that is happening.
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[16 Jun 2011|05:27pm]
sitting in an empty room. well mostly empty. havent been in this spot in a while. now i am running away to texas with the cutest boy in the whole wide world..woo adventure.we are stopping in new orleans on the way to dallas, which should be awesome. im excited and sad a little. i think now that my room is emptying out i am more excited!

wooo
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[10 Jan 2011|04:31am]
there is something that i am looking for every day, peace. i am never happy about waking up and it generally makes me grumpy for a bit. i am most sensitive in the morning and i am quickly affected by loneliness and the stress of living a ever ebbing life of trying. i am looking for passion and a reason to believe every day. but by the end of the day, i usually sleep well knowing that the world looks alot better at night. the moon lights up everything in a much more attractive and alluring way than the sun does. at least for me.
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freak out in a moonage daydream oh yeah [06 Jan 2011|12:56pm]
you make me want to be a better person. i could sit next to you forever in a room full of people and have fun just sitting with you.you make me light up when you smile at me and you make my insides dance around. i have been worried about running away with you. i am worried i will be lonely. then today, i figured that i should not live life in fear or something. i should have confidence in the fact that I am friendly and I have never had a problem making friends. i have been extremely blessed in life with the company of people who are amazing,creative,kind, patient, kind, loving, and who love me no matter what. i will never let you get away from me because i am scared of something because i have nothing to fear when i am with you.
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[07 Dec 2010|10:07am]
i do not know what i am looking for tonight. im looking toward some form of anything that will ease my shaky mind. i am not sure how to wrap my head around the heck i am supposed to be doing right now.lkbncv,n.

restored from an earlier draft, i am not sure from when.

why is it that i get the best sleep right before I wake up? Or when i skip class? The sleep seems so much more gratifying if i know i am not supposed to be doing it. i have had a real problem sleeping lately.sleeping when i should be and for long enough, or not too long.

i am having a "what should i do with my life" crisis.

it is also freezing.

the end for now
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[03 Oct 2010|03:05am]
does anything last forever? can there be just one thing that does not change? at least something. one thing that is constant. now that I write this this seems impossible. it is weird to realize that your idols are human. it is weird when you start taking care of your parents. I miss being a child and not noticing peoples faults. cant anyone just be consistent? i am scared that i can not handle the things that life has in store for me. then again, i am really only afraid of being hurt. but every bit of hurt that has touched me has made my capacity for love and appreciation deeper. i just hope that something amazing happens that takes the flair from everything that I have seen tonight. accepting reality is hard for an idealist. i hate when i get slapped in the face when i think everything is going so well.
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[02 Oct 2010|01:55am]
[ mood | cold ]

Lately, I have been in complete awe of the human beings that surround me. Mostly, I have been continually reminded of fucking awful humans can be sometimes. I am just as guilty of being terrible as the next person, but I generally make an attempt to think of others and their feelings, efforts before I act.

There is something exciting about being spontaneous and rash and only thinking of your own needs and wants. I think we all find this exciting because deep down inside we know it’s wrong. It seems like we all are just taking the same baggage around and recycling it and passing it on to other people. Feeling optimistic today? Not anymore.

But in the same way, seeing all the shittiness the general population possess makes me explore new places looking for people who in fact, do not suck ass. I am very lucky to have seriously awesome humans close to me. I am loved, and I feel very fortunate for that.

Honestly, I am happiest when I am barefoot. Shoes are evil foot shackles. If I am barefoot, I am fucking stoked about shit. I do note fear stepping on the ground when I am in a serene place. Bare feet are the best way to feel dirt. Sure you are a little vulnerable, but as long as you step cautiously, and think about what you do before you do it, you will probably be fine. Sometimes there is glass on the ground, and that shit happens, but shoeless you must plaaaaay.

I do not expect this all to make sense later

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[21 Aug 2010|03:29am]
i am a left over artist.

good things about today:
1. heard three amazing songs in a row. the joker,don't stop believing and let's get it on.
2.reconnected with a missed friend.
3. ate delicious pizza for the second night in a row.
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[12 Aug 2010|03:37am]
3 good things about today.

1. today i got a huge weight and tension lifted from my soul and I will rest soundly.
2. My friends never fail to amaze me with their humor and their love for me.
3. I drank beer from mason jars.
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[28 May 2010|04:46am]
[ mood | high ]

note:

loss of nuances in personal interaction due to technological advances. discuss.

emily jeans

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things to remember [26 Apr 2010|01:50am]
[ mood | happy ]

i fell like i have had an eloquent evening, but i am not sure how well this will translate to my fingertips. i feel like there are many typos to follow. what is it about the specific way you can talk to someone just to make them feel a certain way. the way that we elicit responses from each other in our daily reactions is just baffling to me.

today.
i have been having an awesome week and i feel like its been a long time since i wrote a journal entry because i wanted to remember it. last weekend was super fun. xander and i went on this 12 mile bike ride through a path that used to be a railroad line. there were orange groves, and a nature reserve with emus and antelopes. there was a covered bridge. and the cutest downtown area where we had lunch at a bar called the moon cricket. there were little kids playing music in the city square, and i cant for the life of me remember the song.

it was nice to get away after working so much on the arabian nights.

this weekend was also amazingly awesome. friday was my grandparents 60th wedding anniversary party and they were married on april 20th. how amazing. xander came and met my whole family and did not run away screaming which i was really excited about. my cousin kimi got married on saturday. it was awesome to see all of my family again. the open bar made things interesting. i had an awesome night sitting with alex and whispering back and forth to him. he whispered in my ear that he loved me and eep. after the wedding we went to a bar for karaoke and i sang him fever and got high fives on the way back to the table. after that we went skinny dipping. it was weirdly enough my first time skinny dipping in semi public so that was fun. we floated around the pool and it felt like were dancing. weightlessly flowing around. we drove home soaking wet and passed out cold in his bed.

i spent most of the day in bed wearing his t shirt singing sweet love songs while he played guitar. then we went out for bbq and then i sent him silly text messages. then he drove me home. now i am sitting here typing.

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go away [30 Mar 2010|04:25am]
[ mood | anxious ]

gosh i am not sure where all the time goes.going through old picture files always proves to be very interesting. i want to someone to smoke with me. i wish more people would function like creatures of the night with me. sitting up awake alone really makes me crazy. it allows me to wander around the dark, quiet parts of my mind where there are cobwebs where I hid things. I feel like some memories are photos in an old shoebox covered with dust in the attic, hidden away from where people can really see them. where you can hide the person that you are. you can pick at the yellow wallpaper all you want and no one will say a word. i really want to eat a chocolate easter bunny.i wish my shoulders did not feel like knotted ropes. all right at the top and noodles at the bottom. i can barely control what my fingers do because they are so tired. and pin pricked. exhausted hands and joints. i feel like i have been losing so much air and i am deflated.

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[24 Mar 2010|01:29am]
things to remember:

you are blessed to have such amazing, kind, sweet and dedicated people in your life.

everything will be okay in time.

no matter what, the show will go on.

you are an amazing, talented, dedicated, and intelligent person.
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[22 Mar 2010|05:01am]
i think it safe to say that i am not an emotionally consistent person. i am not sure if this is a good or bad thing, because it means that i am totally responsive to my surroundings. my thoughts and feelings are congruent with everything around me. so i guess the key to being happy is surrounding yourself with other happy people. people who want to smile and dance. people who want to listen to you. ones that light you up inside. the people you are sad to see walk away from you.

you know and getting drunk always helps. i am so terrible at getting drunk, i really need to work at getting better at it. because there is something to be said for being out of your mind.
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[20 Mar 2010|12:06pm]
i feel so fucking lost and lonely.i feel like there are a million things spinning around my head and i just cannot make sense of any of them. i wish i had someone to help me make sense of of all of this. i just want someone to hold me and tell me that everything is ok and really mean it. i want to not feel like this anymore, like i am shaking inside and constantly on the verge of tears when i am not with my friends. i will feel like this until i go smoke, then i will go outside into the beautiful day and somehow feel better. i will wonder if it is the sunshine or the weed that does this to me. i feel like i am going to end up an old ass woman all alone with her cats and her pin cushion collection. i feel like every part of me is twitching in anticipation for nothing. i feel just paralyzed by my own thoughts. i feel crippled beyond movement. i just sit here shaking,and for what? i accomplish nothing by just sitting here and i just need something, and i dont know what. nothing makes it slow down anymore.
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so come on and hold me. don't put out the nights, i want to see that look in your eyes [20 Mar 2010|03:04am]
it is lonely being a night owl. I cannot function in the real world of clocks and sundials even. i should be sleeping now, and I am tired, but cant bring myself to sleep. miles are running through my mind, making me wish i could make it to all the places that i want to go.

i have so much to do this coming week and I do not know how I am going to get it all done.
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[19 Mar 2010|04:11pm]
Remember we held you
Our bodies pressed against you
We required nothing more
Than what you provided for

The rings they tell me
How sickness befell thee
And all the wrongs we dealt thee
In spite of your generosity

It was all of my energy
More than I wanted to give
I am empty
I won’t give more

Am I still invited to stay
I’ve worn my welcome
There was more before I came

We’ve eaten unrestrained
But now these green fruits will remain sour
These clouds we’ve made can not make rain

I gave you all of my energy
And you took it without thanks
You once showed such promise
But now I won’t give more
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some of us for [10 Mar 2010|05:19am]
kosher hot dog with relish,ketchup and mustard. beginning again again again. i tought for a omment tha tmaybe things were going to get btetter then they got

I love the save options that restore my entries that I start writing and do not finish. The one above was written under the influence of cough syrup. i am pretty sure that things have been awesome for me lately. it is just hard to tell when youre so tightly wound around everything that you are. I think being happy is weird when you are used to being sad, or feeling guilty all the time. It is interesting only taking care of yourself, and how much you can pay attention to the things that you had previously not been thinking of.

here i am staying up late late late again just because i can. i like the house this late at night when i dont have to hide.

now i am going to make a mix and go to sleep.
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[20 Jan 2010|03:17am]
[ mood | sad ]

I did a sick, sick thing to my love.
My lack of loyalty, it swallowed her up.
And she cooks me food.
She squirmed and turned like a skeleton key.

She left her man and attended to me.
Don't call me that.
Don't claim you love me
cause you know that ain't true.
My dire affliction, I'll attribute to you.

And you're finally free
to twist and turn like a skeleton key.

You've gotta let me know.
You've gotta let me know.

I did a horrible thing to that girl.
I bred my misery and drowned it in her.
And she got me high,
And I hardly noticed there were tears in her eyes.

And I miss you less and less everyday.
It's true the whiskey helps to wash you away.

And it's clear to see,
You're nothing special.
You're a skeleton key.

You've gotta let me know.
You've gotta let me know.
You've gotta let me know.
You've gotta let me know.

Whooo!

Hello dead corner of the vast internet. Yeah I am posting lyrics and I do not care, because they describe everything better than I can right now. What is it about steak and shake on international? Somehow I always end up drunk and sad there. I felt like I was sitting in the same seat that I was years ago staring into space trying not to cry in front of a table full of people. Fuck. This whole situation makes me a terrible mess. It is like I am at the same place I was years ago, listening to the same songs that used to make me feel better. You think that there would be enough songs about being heartbroken. Some of them just sum it up so very perfectly. I certainly do not have all of the words to describe how I am feeling right now. And maybe that is because the way I am feeling is so simple. I am just sad. Sad and learning how to deal with waking up in the morning by myself with no one to call. In the same way, I am lucky right? I am lucky to feel sadness so deep, because one day I feel happiness in the same way. It is all in the timing. DING DING DING. My life is to the sound of a bell, and I do not know who is ringing it. I can just assume that soon enough someone is hiding off stage and is going to ding the bell, and it is going to start all over again. I am constantly waiting for the ding.

When will this be over?

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